Saturday, February 26, 2011

Five Types of Dudes Hollywood Has Made Me Attracted to Who I Otherwise Probably Shouldn't Be


The Departed

When a movie set in South Boston comes out, my lady friends and I will go see it. Regardless of quality, production values or levels of Ben Affleck participation, we are going to fork out seven quid to go see the thing in glorious surround sound. Why? Because Southie men are hot. Maybe it's their accents. Maybe it's because they seem to have an unwavering loyalty to their mothers. It may even be because they're all good Catholics. But I think the main reason is because Southie men seem to love beating the absolute crap out of eachother, and this is inexplicably sexy.


American Psycho

Remember how clean Patrick Bateman's apartment was? Remember how he let that prostitute take a bath and drink chardonnay before he murdered her? Sure, he has an unquenchable thirst for gore and violence, but he can also get you into the best restaurants in town. He may not be the worlds most level-headed boyfriend, but by God he knows a good power-ballad when he hears one.

Cocky Douchebags

Ferris Buellers Day Off

When I was thirteen, I decided that if I wasn't going to marry Ferris Bueller, I was at least going to find someone close enough and shape him in his converse-clad image. However, the older I get, the more I realise that Ferris Bueller is a cocky little douchebag with entitlement issues. He steals! He hijacks parades! He abandons his girlfriend so she has to spend half the day traipsing around with his mopey friend! Still, everytime I see Ferris Twisting and Shouting on an inexplicably German-themed parade float, my heart swells for his particular brand of pasty twatbag. Go figure.



Smoking is bad for you. And its expensive. And it smells kind of crappy. Yet somehow, despite various health warnings and my vague ventures in common sense, when I see a dude smoking I automatically assume that he has a Phd in absolute bad-assery. There are few things more intimate then sharing a cigarette with someone, and Smoker Guy knows this. Smoker Guy has watched you come in and has been monitoring your every movement with the hawk-eyed precision of a man who loves danger and hates life.

The Emotionally Repressed

The King's Speech

Men have often asked me what it is that women find so devastatingly attractive about Colin Firth, and until recently I didn't really get it either. Colin Firth seems like a perfectly pleasant man, with fairly average features and a weirdly dead-eyed fishlike expression. However, after seeing The King's Speech I feel  like I've finally been let in on the great Colin Firth mystery. Colin Firth specialises in playing the emotionally repressed individual. He favours characters who would rather swallow their own salad fork then talk about their feelings, and in a world where men are keeping dream journals, a bit of repressing is somewhat refreshing. Contrary to popular belief, most women are repelled by a man openly showing emotion. It makes us feel threatened, like you're moving in on our territory. If you're suddenly openly weeping over car insurance ads, what's left for us?

1 comment:

  1. My God, you'd hurl us all back into the 1930s with Firth, wouldn't you, you wretched woman?!?!?