Thursday, February 24, 2011

How to Figure Out Your Political Leanings in Four Easy Text Messages

Tom is my friend that knows everything. I'm not even trying to be vaguely insulting toward him here; it isn't as if he tells people this, or even carries himself in such a manner. It's such a simple fact. Some people have blue eyes. Tom knows everything. I once tried to prove this to a third-party by asking him, as a joke, who invented Velcro. He thought for a moment and said "I can't remember right now, but it was definitely a Swiss guy" and he was right. Ok, I know he didn't know the specific answer but that's still pretty good.


Tom: Knowledge Whore

As at least 80% of those reading this blog will know, tomorrow is the day where we get to vote for a new government to complain about. Having never read a newspaper or thought about current affairs basically ever, I have absolutely nothing to add to this. I quickly phase myself out of political conversations, never quite sure who exactly to scoff or roll my eyes at.

What happens in my brain when people talk about the Government


So, this morning, when my Dad told me my voting card had arrived, I knew there was only one person to call.   Or text. Because, y'know. I'm busy.

Message Sent: Caroline
Who should I vote for? Just gimme a name. You don't even have to explain why.

Message Received: Tom
What constituency are you in? If Cork South Central, which I think you are, it's a no-brainer. Michael Martin has to be given a strong man.


Message Sent: Caroline
A strong man?

Message Recieved: Tom
Pressed send by mistake. Anyway, Martin. That was going to read "strong mandate". We need a credible, empowered opposition leader, so Martin needs to get elected with a huge lead. If he doesn't get elected by twice the votes he actually needs, we really are screwed. Although I won't vote FF, if I was in his area I'd make an exception.

Message Sent: Caroline
Ooh, my parents are voting FG. Imma stir some shit up.

Message Recieved: Tom
Well, I hate to say it, but that's the one thing I wouldn't do. Still, most people will, and I can see why. Still, as I say, Martin is the only politician we actively need. I don't think anyone at all can argue that point. You could replace Kenny, Gilmore et al without trouble, lose Martin and you lose all voice of opposition to plans that won't work, and the only experienced minister who achieved anything. Doesn't mean I support the idiots he leads, or the ones he was lead by in the past.

Message Sent: Caroline
I love you because you teach me things.

Message Recieved: Tom
Final word for today: Am in a supermarket. There is no shaving section. Quote from manager I asked for help for directions: "It's more P.C. to call it "male hygiene". I hate the world.


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