Saturday, February 26, 2011

The Wider Social Problems Represented by Elizabeth Banks

A girls' relationship with her girl crush represents a truly unique area of her life. Choosing your current dominant girl crush tells the world not only who you are but who you want to be, and who you will hopefully, someday, forsake heterosexuality for.

With this in mind, let's all take a minute to think about Elizabeth Banks.

After much humming and hawwing over the matter, I've decided that I'm comfortably in love with Elizabeth Banks. Although my feelings for her were initially hampered by a worryingly prolonged stint on the perpetually shark-jumping Scrubs, I've since given myself over to this Aryan fox of a woman. If Elizabeth Banks were a Pokémon she'd be Ninetails. If she were a shower product, she'd be that discontinued Herbal Essence conditioner that smelled like daisies. If she were the kind of celebrity to release a perfume (which she completely wouldn't, by virtue of the fact of being cool) it would be called Win Some. (See what I did there?)

It's Elizabeth Banks! And she's happy to see you.

Shallowly enough, a lot of my girl-crushing on Elizabeth Banks is because of her hair colour. You may not have noticed this, but awesome blonde women are terribly misrepresented in the media. As an awesome blonde woman, I feel very strongly about this. It's the same in everything. The blonde girl is shallow and mean-spirited. She is ill-tuned to a mans needs. She is not fun. She does not like it when her boyfriend plays Xbox. She is precarious with Don Draper's children.  There aren't a whole lot of cool roles written for women in Hollywood, and if there are they almost always go to Zooey Deschanel. And frankly, who isn't sick of the sight of Zooey Deschanel?

Elizabeth Banks = Ice Cream

 What gives?  Do you remember seeing any nice blonde ladies in any of this years major movies? No, you don't. You don't ask a nice blonde lady to do a lesbian scene with Mila Kunis, or help Leonardo DiCaprio incept things. I'm sure Elizabeth Banks would have loved to do a lesbian scene with Mila Kunis, but nobody asked her.

There was a time in history where fair-haired people walked the streets as the rightful betters of the semetically coloured brunettes. Back then, blonde stood for something. Strength. Honour. Purity. And, of course, the unification of Austria and Germany.


  1. hey female nazi when u coming home from salt and pepper house. Lonely

  2. You have Triumph of The Will on Blu Ray, don't you?

  3. you are mega gay for her mega gay