Saturday, March 19, 2011

To: London. RE: Issues

London, if I'm going to move to you, then we're going to have to clear some issues up first.

When did Starbucks become the epicentre of all business mergers?

Cork doesn't really have a Starbucks, only establishments that "Proudly Brew Starbucks Coffee", which as everyone knows, isn't the same. So when I went to a giant, proper Starbucks I was expecting what one normally expects from a coffee shop: I dunno, people hanging out and drinking coffee. But no sir. The Starbucks in Covent Garden. Contrary to belief, starbucks is not for hipsters. Its for professionals. Professional professionals. I was in there for forty minutes by myself and I couldn't concentrate on my book because i felt like such a deadbeat. And it was a HARD book. Everyone was pouring over spreadsheets and holding conference calls and probably had maths sets tucked away somewhere.

Why don't you find my mishandling of sterling endearing?

And for that matter, why don't you find anything folksy and Irish I do endearing? I can assure you, I've had great luck in the past playing up my down-home country charm. But somehow, you seem to be completely immune to my adorable inadequacies with your currency. Regardless of the amount of people behind me in that que, my inability to differentiate between 50p and £1 should evoke hugs and giggles, not sighs and eye-rolling.


Is your iPhone free if you live in London?

Seriously, I think I saw a homeless person with one.

How come whenever I use my Oyster card I seemed to be using it at the broken scanner?

When I got my Oyster card, I was determined I was going to use it the right way and not expose myself as a grubby hick in the same way I had earlier in the day with the currency disaster. I hung back before I went through the turnstile, and observed my fellow, far chicer, travellers use the machine. It seemed fairly simple. Touch card on sensor. Wait for door to open. Walk on through. Except for the fact that there is always one "broken" turnstile, and that is always the turnstile I seem to walk up to, urgently try to outsmart, and then am denied access from. For awhile I thought it was some kind of ethnic prejudice, which is totally unfair, because an Irish person hasn't blown up a bit of London since at least the 80's.

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