Not everyone can grow up to be an astronaut. This is something I have to habitually tell my mother during her frequent bouts of paranoia that her children are all doomed to live menial, unfulfilled lives. The fact is, if everybody grew up to realize their dreams then there'd be nobody left to dispense urinal cakes.
As I come to the end of my undergraduate degree, I must come to the realization that if it's a good idea to have dreams, it's also a good idea to have grim realities. Here are some of the grim realities that I think I'd be well suited to.
Anonymous Office Worker
There's certain things that people are fond of saying, and they always say it as if it makes them more interesting for saying it. One of these things is "I'm going to travel the world someday" and the other is "I could never work in an office." The idea your supposed to take away from this is that whoever's talking is a free-spirited bohemian who could never short-change their own creativity by working in an office of all things.
Offices simply cannot be as bad as the stigma attached to them is. When you work in an office, you get your own computer and sometimes your own chair. You have a little break room where you probably have your own coffee mug that is unique to your character. Maybe it will say "Worlds Best Dad" on it. Maybe it will say "I Hate Mondays". The possibilities are endless.
I'm so down with the idea of having my own cubicle. I could piss around on the internet all the live long day.
I'm really not sure what this woman does, apart from wear tights and not wash her hair, yet somehow she manages to be on every single page of Heat except for the page that circles your pit-stains.
Whatever the hell Alexa Chung's job actually is, I certainly wouldn't mind having it. This woman seems to have gotten a free-pass to legitimacy without actually doing anything, and that would be sort-of ok.
Journalist at a Low-Level Weekly Smut Magazine
Like all women, I get an enormous amount of pleasure from being critical of other women. (See above) However, this is by no means limited to the fashion and lifestyle choices of other women. Sometimes its fun to put aside any pretended notions of sisterhood and analyse another girls knockers. Because I spent a year living with two dudes, I'm pretty well versed in the world of weekly smut magazines. There were so many boob magazines circulating around our house that we got quite serious in our study of it. Picking up a dog-eared copy of Nuts, we'd sigh meditavely before commenting "Tina really needs to step her game up if she's going to make it to weekly coverage" or "Daisy needs to learn to arch her back more gracefully". There's a small, special kind of joy that can be derived from afternoons leisurely comparing the boobs of models with your friends. A joy that I really wouldn't mind turning into a career someday.
Talking Head on a Countdown TV Show
Top 100 TV Shows of All Time. 100 Best Toys With Johnathon Ross. I've always been a fan of things that include the terms "Top Ten Best Ever". I think it would be jolly to be one of those people who gives their supposed "expert" opinion on each of the things in the countdown.
I always get a huge amount of amusement from these people. They always have job titles that you never knew could be real job titles, like "Animation Historian" or "Lifestyle Equaliser", and they're always shown in swanky offices surrounded by books and toys. This is a future I can realistically see myself looking forward to. These shows tend to be favoured by networks like ITV who blew their seasons budget commissioning the latest Kerry Katona reality vehicle, and hence need to fill up the schedule with mindless counting shows. I feel like its only a matter of time before ITV run out of money entirely and titles like "Celebrity Wardrobe Mistress" and "Cultural Expert" eventually become "Known Blogger" and "Woman On The Internet".
This, of course, will be my time to shine.