Tuesday, May 17, 2011

5 Bitches That Be Trippin' Around Leonardo Di Caprio

Have you ever noticed that women can't seem to fall in love with Leonardo Di Caprio without losing their minds completely? I mean, I guess I understand it to a certain extent.

Let's women everywhere remember The Beach for a minute.


Even straight (ahem) men develop fully fledged crushes on him all the time. He is a beautiful creature, and word on the street is if he stretches his hand to the sky a golden eagle lands on it and whispers great mysteries into Leo's ear.

However

While it's fine to worship Leonardo Di Caprio from afar, apparently a major occupational hazard of falling in love with him is going batshit crazy.

5. Kate Winslet in Titanic

Rose, Leo wants you to get on the lifeboat. Billy Zane wants you to get on the lifeboat. So here's a tip: stay on the friggin' life boat. As Tina Fey points out in her autobiography, maybe if you hadn't recklessly leaped from the lifeboat back on to the sinking ship, Leo would have been able to float on that door you selfishly took up with your heaving ginger bosom and you both would have survived.




4. Kate Winslet Again in Revolutionary Road

Oh Kate. I realise that the thought of having a third child with Leonardo Di Caprio, who is occasionally emotionally abusive, is daunting. Such genetic perfection under the responsibility of your womb is a huge pressure. It's intimidating, and no-one blames you for being frightened. But losing your mind, trying to induce a homemade miscarriage, and inendvertedly killing yourself is just not the answer.  




3. Michelle Williams in Shutter Island

I haven't seen this movie, because movies about asylums freak me out. But based on the fact that it's set in an asylum should be enough to confirm that Michelle Williams's mental capacity is crushed under the weight of meeting Leonardo Di Caprio. Anyone who has seen this movie: what happens? Does she catch a glimpse of him shirtless and go all Zelda Fitzgerald?




2. Clare Danes in Romeo + Juliet

Clare Danes, you're usually so sensible. What happened? If this movie wasn't an adaptation of a Shakesperian play, and if Leonardo Di Caprio wasn't in it, things would have worked out much differently. You probably would have gone to art college, have your marriage annulled and dated some Jewish guy doing his thesis on Henry James. But, Leonardo Di Caprio was in the movie, so you had to go crazy and cook up a plot involving a roofie and a priest. A badly communicated plot, might I add. Leonardo Di Caprio was having a perfectly nice time smoking fags and reading magazines in his trailer before that messenger came along.  




1. Marion Cotillard in Inception

It took Leonardo Di Caprio to make Marion Cotillard finally jump off a building, and this is why I will love him forever.

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