Sunday, May 8, 2011

All My Friends Think I'm Going to Die Alone: A Very Special Birthday Blog.

Yesterday was my birthday.

The day after your birthday is great for awakening your sickening sense of mortality, and the malaise certainly isn't helped when you're nursing a pretty fatal hangover. Add a massive clean-up job to that and you've got a pretty exhausting day. Last night, in celebration of my existence, my parents quite gamely threw me a party, the end result being a wonderful time had by all, and a whole morning of finding finger food in bizarre places. It's not all bad, however. As I cleaned up I managed to uncover all the birthday cards that I was too drunk to read the night before. What I've discovered is this: my friends are much funnier then I am.

A Birthday Card Best Of

"Today is the day you recieve the husband I have selected for you. You will get him at midnight. If this never seems to happen it's cos you're loaded and it's no fault of mine."

By Michelle Cogan

This is me and Michelle. She is very nice, and I thought she didn't like me for the longest time.


A little while ago, my friend Michelle decided that it was her job to find me a husband. I believe the plan was to assemble a panel of cut-throat judges who would decide the suitors and whittle them down based on their talents, charisma and overall handsomosity. When she decided this course of action, I was initially afraid that she would actually act on it. Thankfully, this has not been the case. Michelle has yet to offer me any candidates for matrimony, although I have a frightening suspicion that one of these days I'm going to open my door to a lobotomized Topman worker down on one knee.

"I promise that I won't try to pimp you out tonight, just because it's your birthday though. You can have tonight off."

By Johnny Horgan


I should mention that my friend Johnny is in a relationship with my aforementioned friend Michelle. Like all good couples, they get a remarkable amount of joy from seeing people they know get off with eachother, and possibly forming relationships of their own. I don't know what this stems from. Possibly an innate desire to all play backgammon together as old people. Johnny, an outlandish imp at the best of times, likes to pimp me out when he is at his drunkest. Luckily hes not as violent as your average pimp, and instead of slapping me with the back of his hand, he often just sidles up to me in a pub at around one in the morning and says "You see him? You should score him." I never do, but that doesn't seem to subtract from the amount of fun he gets out of it.

This is me at a When Good Pets Go Bad gig. Thats Johnny singing, and generally putting the "imp" in "pimp"

"Dearest Caroline,
May your celebrations be heuristic in the most exciting sense.
Yours in faculty affair jealousy,

By Breffney Cogan

Again, I should explain. Me and Breffney took a class together on the poetry on Edmund Spenser. It was.. riveting, to say the least. I am of course, being sarcastic. It was long, it was boring, it was ridiculously difficult and the only thing that got us through the whole thing was forming an obsession with our lecturer, whose chief passions included paisley shirts, Frank Sinatra and being permanently startled by youth culture. What we also learned about him was that he preferred me to Breffney. This was probably a direct result of him being a regular customer at my workplace, but all the same, Breffney just couldn't handle it. You see, Breffney and I went to secondary school together, and she has a long history of being instantly more likeable then me. She has the advantages of being both funnier then me and more socially adept, and for this I borderline resent her. This one lecturer preferring me to her is a rather large win. One which has occured because I have had, according to her, conducted a "faculty affair" with our lecturer. I should state that this is absolutely not true, and I have not nor do I ever plan to conduct a faculty affair.

This is me and Breffney in a cave. Don't ask.

"No longer the spry 16 year old, you've matured into a fine woman. Your bosom may have started to sag and you're not the temptress you once were, but I love you a million times more. Plus, you're still a solid 8/10."

By David Kiely


Me and Kiely met when I was fifteen and he was seventeen at a house party. We briefly considered fancying one another, because thats how it is when you're that age and you like the same bands. Bizarrely, we've remained friends ever since. He is one of the funniest people I know, and also the most shallow.

Me and Kiely. Plus my bra strap.

"Ah, the inevitability of time."

By Megan Hayes


Like many of my friends, Megan Hayes is convinced my dog may secretly be a genius. He is to my household what Grandmother Willow was to Pocahontas, and as we remarked one sunny afternoon "I feel like your dog is very wise. Like hes aware of time, and its inevitable passing." Since then, time and its inevitable passing has been a trending topic for me and Megan.

Forever Young.
"Dearest Nipspaw,
How are you today? This day also happens to be your 21st birthday which shall be lots of fun and full of celebrations that may include old women with handguns."

By Billy Browne


This actually needs no explanation. This sums up my friend Billy Browne pretty neatly.

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