Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Indie Rock Musicians It Would Suck to Date

It's around midnight, and I'm sitting inside a McDonalds with my friend Emmet, because we live in Cork, and McDonalds is the only place you can eat after 11.30 without a 60% chance of getting a disease. We're debating over our favourite topic, which is, of course, our mutually bad taste in the opposite sex.

"What you want," Emmet says, impassioned and pointing a McNugget at me accusingly "is to just date some indie rock musician who will write songs on you based on the terrible nicknames you give eachother."

I sink low in my seat. Emmet knows he has hit a nerve, a nerve that closely resembles the truth.

"You High Fidelity whore."

Ah, but we knew this already. My (obsessive?) love of High Fidelity - both the book and the movie - is one that I have treasured for a long, long time. Not least of all because of the words of truth that so frequently stream from the lips of Rob Gordon, Dick and Barry.

As much as everyone (yes, everyone) fantasizes about being the muse of a musician (particularly one that has a PFM rating of 8.8 or over) there are a few notable exceptions to this rule. As such, here are some of the indie rock musicians I would not go out with.
The Guy From Bell X1

Bell X1 are known for two things: their massively catchy guitar pop, and their massively retarded lyrics. Paul Noonan, lead singer of the band, is apparently responsible for this. Having penned such meaningful prose as "you are the chocolate at the end of my cornetto" and "watching a six year old on youtube, playing drums to Billie Jean". I would not care for the romantic attention of Paul Noonan because, well, what would be the point? He'd probably just take whatever we were doing on any given day and then turn it into a song, and he probably wouldn't even bother talking about how pretty or awesome I am.

Probable Song Lyric Outcome: 

"Hey, Remember that time we went to the Aquadome?
We only paid a fiver in cos you had a voucher
It took us two hours to drive from home
Cos its in Kerry and thats far away

But then you forgot your swimming cap
You Forgot Your Swimming Cap
You Forgot Your Swimming Cap
So we couldn't go swimming
Cos You Forgot Your Swimming Cap"

(From the future Bell X1 single, You Forgot Your Swimming Cap)

Stuart Murdoch of Belle & Sebastian

Belle & Sebastian are an amazing band, that I have grown to love only very recently. Stuart Murdoch has written some of the most amazing, intensley personal lyrics I've ever heard, and if you don't believe me, just listen to The State That I Am In or Expectations. Murdoch has a way of worming his way into the female mind and digging out terrible, if artistically enlightening gems from there. If I were to hypothetically date Stuart Murdoch, I'd be terrified of what Stuart Murdoch would do. I'm not an especially complex individual, so I can't imagine he'd have much trouble finding out my greatest insecurities and turning them into fodder for his next album.

Potential Song Lyric Outcome:

Caroline, Caroline
You're so very desperate for approval aren't you?
I read all of your blog posts
Just because you told me to

Caroline, Caroline
Why do you think people want to hear
About your childhood stories
They don't
Because they're boring
And also,
you suck.


(From future Belle & Sebastian unreleased B-side Caroline, Caroline)


Oh, Morrissey. We know so very little about you, you gorgeous thing. I imagine a relationship with you would consist of the two of us lying on your living room floor, side by side, in the dark, holding hands. However, I also get the feeling that when we're not doing that you'd be putting out cigarettes on yourself and throwing plates at my head. Maybe if you wrote me something like Cemetry Gates, that would be ok. But I don't think you will, honestly.

Potential Song Lyric Outcome:

Yes, you are a girl
And your hair smells nice
But I've taken a postal service worker
As my foremost vice

We had locked bodies in the shed
While you were inside
Cleaning bits of plate off the ground
Hating me for my crimes

Myyy Criiiiiiiiiiimes!

(From upcoming greatest hit My Crimes)

Noah and The Whale Guy

Noah and The Whale guy is like the Jennifer Aniston of indie rock music: always the bridesmaid, never again to be held by Laura Marling bride. For those of you who aren't aware, Laura Marling was together with this guy when she was about seventeen, and for her he wrote the chirpy breakout single Five Years Time. Well, four years later, she's in the arms of folky bum-fluffian Marcus Mumford and Noah and the Whale guy is allegedly claiming that he is so over it, and that, after all L.I.F.E.G.O.E.S.O.N. Yeah. Right.

Potential Song Lyric Outcome:

He seriously wouldn't even bother.

And One Indie Rock Musician It Would Be Completely Excellent To Date

Well, obviously, there are loads. But today, it's Jeffrey Lewis, based on this song.

Jeffrey Lewis - Don't Be Upset


  1. Ha ha. No-one writes more retarded lyrics than New Order... "Here comes Love/It's like Honey/You can't buy it with Money"...because obviously Mancunians all have their own hives.

  2. When I went to Glasgow, I made the sad discovery that these days Stuart Murdoch is one of those Christians that comes round to knock on your door. I think my wee little heart actually broke. Later that day, a taxi man asked me if I had been barried. I didn't know so I just said yes.

  3. John Cusack is in High Fidelity? How have I not watched it yet! Anyway, Caroline is to writing what Dorian Gray is to Basil Hallward. You go girl etc.