Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Life Tips From Sassy Bitches

Today, I came home from work an hour later then usual. This happened because my parents are away, and as a result I have been forced to negotiate a bus timetable that stubbornly refuses to cater to my whims and/or flight(s) of fancy. I should have been home by 6.45, but I didn't get in until 7.30, because I was reading a magazine at the bus stop, and as a result missed my bus arriving, loading and leaving. When I eventually arrived home, I was too tired and pissed off from my bus mishap to cook anything, so I ate crackers dipped in humus. I ate this until my brother told me that the humus was six days out of date. I panicked momentarily, and then reasoned that there are no immediately perishable ingredients in humus, so I was probably ok, and kept eating it anyway. Sell-by dates are for suckers, right? Wrong. Sell-by dates are not for suckers, they are for people who don't like to be violently ill.



I am not violently ill, but neither am I violently well. Post-humusly, my health is iffy. It's nothing a Rennie won't solve (AsideTop Five Most Delicious Pharmacy Products5. Calpol Senior (Ages 6+)  4. Barley Sugars  3. Calpol Junior (Ages 0-6) 2. Fruit-Flavoured Rennie, 1. Chewable Rubex tablets. Remember Rubex tablets? They were orange-flavoured Vitamin C supplements that made you want to punch a real orange.)

However, I am worried. I am enough of an adult to know that there comes a certain point where you have to realise that you are good at some things, and bad at others. I am good at scrabble. I am also good at analysing literature, remembering song lyrics, and keeping calm during confrontation. I am bad at everything else.

There's no two ways about it: I am bad at life. I don't cook, my hair always looks like it needs a good brush and my handbag is where pens and lipglosses go to explode. My student card has been re-issued to me six times this year. The last house I lived in fell victim to two robberies, one swastika and innumerable ants. The only reason I didn't die of a wasting disease is because I was lucky enough to fall in with the two most maternal dudes you'll ever meet, both of whom took it upon themselves to make sure I was mollycoddled to the extent that it'd make a haemophiliac kitten blush.




Most of the time, I am comfortable with the assumption that this profound uselessness is a passing phase of youth, and that lots of 21-year-olds are shit at life. Aren't they? Here's the thing: I don't have time to keep being crap at life. As I've mentioned previously, I'm moving to London after the summer. If the move goes well, London might be my new house. So, I need some life lessons. Like all my life lessons, they are taken from movies and tv shows.

Piper Perabo in Coyote Ugly



So, you've moved to the big city. Is no-one listening to your mixtape? Does your apartment constantly get robbed? Does your obese father refuse to eat the lean cuisine meals you specifically laid out for him? Well, there's only one thing for it: throw on some leather chaps and dance on a bar. It'll give you loads of self-confidence, earn you enough money to buy a CD writer, and you might even get to meet Leann Rhimes.

Goldie Hawn in Overboard




So. In a bizarre turn of events, it seems you have amnesia, which Kurt Russell appears to be exploiting. As a result, you are raising his children, because you think they're your own, and cleaning his house, because you think that's yours too. But screw it, because when you're Goldie Hawn, you get on with it. The art of Getting On With It is a cornerstone for women of Goldie Hawn's generation, a knack that died with Kurt Russell's attractiveness. These days it's all "Ooh, I'm unhappy" and "This makes me feel bad", but when you're Goldie Hawn, you just do it. And who knows, maybe things will work out anyway.

Patricia Arquette in True Romance



Ir doesn't matter that you're basically the coolest person who has ever lived. Sometimes, men just want to wreck your buzz. Your pimp is giving you and your new husband hassle, and James Gandolfini has  no qualms about beating the absolute tar out of you. But you're strong, and goddamnit, you can take a punch. Actually, you can take repeated punches. To the face.
But screw them. They're not married to a young Christian Slater and having sex every other scene. Let them wreck your buzz, because at the end of the day, you're the one with the suitcase full of cocaine.

Every Contestant Ever in Americas Next Top Model




Keep your chin up. Don't cry at the hairdressers. Be fierce. Don't bitch about your housemates when they're in the next room and you're wearing a mic. And above all, remember this: YOU DIDN'T COME HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS.

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