Sunday, July 24, 2011

Musical Legends Make The Worst Boyfriends

Roy Orbison

Talent aside, it can't be ignored: Roy Orbison was never sexy. There was something irrefutably point-dextery about him, and he was probably the only person who made sunglasses look uncool. You'd assume, under such circumstances, that Roy Orbison would make the perfect nerdy obliging boyfriend. You'd be wrong.

Let's take one of his biggest hits, "I Drove All Night". The opening lines of which, go something like this:

"I had to escape, the city was sticky and cruel
Maybe I should have called you first
But I was dying to get to you"

You know what, Roy? Maybe you should have called first. In fact, you definitely should have called first, because that is what we call etiquette. Maybe I'm busy that night. Maybe me and my ladys have Zumba that night.

"I drove all night to get to you
Is that all right?
I drove all night, crept in your room
Woke you from your sleep to make to love you
Is that all right?"

Is that all right? Is that all right? Uh, no Roy. That is most certainly not alright. It is not alright to creep anywhere, much less likely into my room. Who gave you a key, anyway? I find it interesting that you seem to have a key to my room, yet don't know enough about me to know that it is never ok to wake me up for the purposes of a ride.  

And another thing: where have you even been?

Bruce Springsteen

"Then I got Mary pregnant
And man that was all she wrote
And for my nineteenth birthday, I got a union card and a wedding coat
We went down to the courthouse and the judge put it all to rest
No wedding day smiles, no walks down the aisle..."

From "The River"

Bruce, while admittedly it takes two to tango, you could try to sound a little less morbidly depressed about our situation. We're not the first teenagers to have a shotgun wedding, and we certainly won't be the last. Even Sarah Palin's kids are doing it.

In fact, the only time you sound vaguely perky in the whole song is for this bit:

"But I remember us riding in my brothers car
Her body tan and wet down at the reservoir"

Bruce, your initial intentions have now become quite clear. You're all fun and games when you're talking about tanned wet women at the river, but as soon as it's time to man up and accept some responsibility, all you can do is mope around and complain about the economy.

Elvis Presley

"So, if an old friend I know
Drops by to say hello
Would I still see suspicion in your eyes?

Here we go again
Asking where I've been..."

Ok, Elvis. I'll level with you. Maybe I am a little jealous. Maybe sometimes, occasionally, I worry. But maybe, also, you're Elvis friggin' Presley and every woman in the world wants to have sex with you. I realize that this is not your fault. But who are these "old friends"? You do not have any "old friends". Only skanks. Skanks with diseases.

Marvin Gaye

Ooh, I bet you're wond'rin' how I knew
'bout your plans to make me blue
With some other guy you knew before
Between the two of us guys you know I love you more
It took me by surprise I must say
When I found out yesterday
Dontcha know that I
heard it throught the grapevine

Oh. Well.

This is awkward.

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