Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Book Deals I Am Currently Working Toward

Let's face it, readers. The chips are down, the jig is up, and I hate my job. It's time to kick this blog into generating revenue, which is a fancy way of saying that I want money. Not even a ton of money. Just barely enough to afford a helper monkey, and then enough extra for him to afford a reasonably decadent lifestyle. It's time for me to crack out a book. Maybe even three books. After that, I can just borrow Jordan's ghost writer and spend my time googling myself.

As middle-aged people seem incredibly fond of telling me, there's a book in everyone. Actually, I think that middle-aged people just say this so they can say there's a book inside them. Whether there is or whether there isn't a book inside you, I strongly recommend never showing me the book inside you.

Here are the books that are not inside me, but I strongly feel will make me tens of thousands of euros.

S. T. You&ME


Two lonely people. One big city. A connection. Boy meets girl, girl likes it. But there's a twist! Of course there's a twist. There's always a twist.
The boy and the girl meet at an STD clinic, noticing one another on their initial visit. Romance gradually flowers as they are both diagnosed with sexy infections and they keep meeting eachother in the same clinic waiting room.
Then there's probably some kind of plot device toward the middle. Maybe they both got STD's from the same bathroom? I dunno. You figure it out.

Critical Lauding:

"A tongue-in-cheek criticism of tongues in cheeks. Insatiable!"
- Elle

"Boy meets girl meets erotic urban dystopia. Darkly brilliant."
- Sunday Times Culture Magazine

(Have you ever noticed how things are never just "brilliant" anymore, they have to be "darkly brilliant"?)


(yes, i drew a Kippah on a picture of a werewolf)

Of course, if the chick-lit thing doesn't work out, there's always teen-lit. Thanks to the good people at Kindle, reading is now hip amongst the 13 to 18 year olds, and I think I may have cracked the strategy for their market. The teen books that seem to do really well are either supernaturally themed, or set during a historical period. Does "Boy In The Striped Pyjamas" or "Twilight" ring a bell?

How do I use this information to make me a millionaire? Why, concieve a cheap hybrid, of course. Hunt is a teen novel told through the eyes of Liesel, a bright but awkward Catholic girl living in Nazi-occupied Prague. She spends the novel attempting to hide her Jewish friend and love interest Edvard. The twist? Edvard is also a werewolf, making him incredibly difficult to hide. And love.

(Incidentally, "hunt" is the yiddish word for dog. Yeah, I've researched this.)

Critical Lauding:

"Sink your teeth into this historical fantasy!"
- Teen Vogue

"Brittle, banal and blasphemous. Don't miss this peppy summer read!"
- Hassidic Times

Actresses of The 1950s Dressed in Ballgowns


Every Christmas or birthday I seem to get some variation of this book. It's usually 500 pages long, and there are about 1000 words in it. The space is taken up almost entirely by A3 sized photographs of Grace Kelly, Audrey Hepburn or Marilyn Monroe. (As we are well aware, the only three actresses that worked during this era.)
I've asked around and apparently every other girl between the ages of 17 and 26 have recieved some variation of this book from a friend or relative. As with most things in the consumer world, it's simply a matter of repackaging it, adding some disparaging paragraphs about Darryl Zanuck and Louis B. Mayer and stick in a bit about Judy Garland on diet pills. That will be €39.95, please.

Critical Lauding:

"A revealing look into the world of old-school Hollywood. In ballgowns."
- Italian Vogue

"Delve into this retro vintage-chic delight for the eyes! Unmissable!"
- Fashion bloggers everywhere

1 comment:

  1. Now...admittedly I would probably buy Hunt. Werewolves in hats are just so damned...dapper. It's a wonder there aren't more movies and books with werewolves in hats. Anyway, I think you should scrap the book thing altogether and get into the raving critics scene(because critics always rave) and rave you up some critic-ey bacon. You seem to have talent as far as those snappy one-liners go, where as some of us just...don't. Example. Let's pretend there are critics raving about this here blog of yours:

    "after reading this young ladies blog, I have concluded that, dem words, dem dry words. Read is Must"~ Derf Magazine

    "It's the feelgood blog of the summer, with hats!"~ The Derf York Times

    "You'll like this blog something good, eh?"~The Derfington Post

    "El blog de ​​Carolina es muy bueno, muy bueno!"~Telemundo derfibido

    See? Not everyone can do it well. Not to suggest that's all the talent you possess, of course. Other reassuring words go here.