As middle-aged people seem incredibly fond of telling me, there's a book in everyone. Actually, I think that middle-aged people just say this so they can say there's a book inside them. Whether there is or whether there isn't a book inside you, I strongly recommend never showing me the book inside you.
Here are the books that are not inside me, but I strongly feel will make me tens of thousands of euros.
S. T. You&ME
Two lonely people. One big city. A connection. Boy meets girl, girl likes it. But there's a twist! Of course there's a twist. There's always a twist.
The boy and the girl meet at an STD clinic, noticing one another on their initial visit. Romance gradually flowers as they are both diagnosed with sexy infections and they keep meeting eachother in the same clinic waiting room.
Then there's probably some kind of plot device toward the middle. Maybe they both got STD's from the same bathroom? I dunno. You figure it out.
"A tongue-in-cheek criticism of tongues in cheeks. Insatiable!"
"Boy meets girl meets erotic urban dystopia. Darkly brilliant."
- Sunday Times Culture Magazine
(Have you ever noticed how things are never just "brilliant" anymore, they have to be "darkly brilliant"?)
|(yes, i drew a Kippah on a picture of a werewolf)|
Of course, if the chick-lit thing doesn't work out, there's always teen-lit. Thanks to the good people at Kindle, reading is now hip amongst the 13 to 18 year olds, and I think I may have cracked the strategy for their market. The teen books that seem to do really well are either supernaturally themed, or set during a historical period. Does "Boy In The Striped Pyjamas" or "Twilight" ring a bell?
How do I use this information to make me a millionaire? Why, concieve a cheap hybrid, of course. Hunt is a teen novel told through the eyes of Liesel, a bright but awkward Catholic girl living in Nazi-occupied Prague. She spends the novel attempting to hide her Jewish friend and love interest Edvard. The twist? Edvard is also a werewolf, making him incredibly difficult to hide. And love.
(Incidentally, "hunt" is the yiddish word for dog. Yeah, I've researched this.)
"Sink your teeth into this historical fantasy!"
- Teen Vogue
"Brittle, banal and blasphemous. Don't miss this peppy summer read!"
- Hassidic Times
Actresses of The 1950s Dressed in Ballgowns
Every Christmas or birthday I seem to get some variation of this book. It's usually 500 pages long, and there are about 1000 words in it. The space is taken up almost entirely by A3 sized photographs of Grace Kelly, Audrey Hepburn or Marilyn Monroe. (As we are well aware, the only three actresses that worked during this era.)
I've asked around and apparently every other girl between the ages of 17 and 26 have recieved some variation of this book from a friend or relative. As with most things in the consumer world, it's simply a matter of repackaging it, adding some disparaging paragraphs about Darryl Zanuck and Louis B. Mayer and stick in a bit about Judy Garland on diet pills. That will be €39.95, please.
"A revealing look into the world of old-school Hollywood. In ballgowns."
- Italian Vogue
"Delve into this retro vintage-chic delight for the eyes! Unmissable!"
- Fashion bloggers everywhere