Monday, August 29, 2011

The Shoebox (All That You Can Leave Behind)

I used to think that you could derive great meaning and insight into a person by examining the things that surround them. This theory, as it turns out, is total cock. Examining someones Scarface poster and artfully displayed Tarantino-heavy DVD collection tells you nothing about the twisted individual they really are, and the sooner you accept that, the better. Because as I had to learn the hard way, people are not what they appear to be, but what they leave behind.

The apartment I live in isn't really an apartment, in that it's more a few converted rooms above a Ghanaian food shop. But it's bright, and airy, and the rooms are big and the dryer works. Our landlady has also told us that we're only allowed take our bins out in the dead of night, which is concerning, but we've decided to label it as kooky and not think about it any further. In much the same manner, the room I live in isn't really a bedroom as much is it is a large closet. But it has a bed, and a couch, and a wardrobe, so I'm not complaining. I'm also not complaining about the tiny rent I'm paying.

There is one thing I am complaining about, and his name is Travis. Travis and I haven't met, but I already know that I despise him. Travis is the guy who used to live in this room before me. I know his name, because of the "Sorry You're Leaving, Travis!" cards he left in his wake. He abandoned these, plus some other miscellaneous crap, in a shoebox in my closet. Here are some reasons why if I ever meet Travis, I am going to murder him and then vomit on his corpse. If you're reading, Travis: I'm completely serious. I am going to murder you.

He Owns A Sexual Position Di

As most people learn fairly early in life, anybody who owns "hilarious" sex game paraphernalia is a categorical douche and deserves to die.  This is the first thing that caught my eye in The Shoebox.


Ugh.

Travis, I don't know if you got this as a gift in a stag-night goody bag, or as a heavy handed hint from your former girlfriend, but either way spending your first night in a new apartment being forced to ponder your predecessors sex life is NOT COOL. Not only do you own a sex dice, but further investigation of the sex dice reveals that it was created by someone who has obviously never seen another human being.


WHAT IS THIS?

He Buys Envelopes and Then Never Sends Letters


I don't know if you can tell from this picture, but Travis bought and discarded a pack of 40 envelopes. He did not use a single one. This means that Travis intended to write a letter but didn't, or did and didn't send it. What kind of a bullshit move is this? Who is awaiting Travis's letter?

He Left His Teddy



Have you ever gone into a second-hand bookshop, opened a book and found a hand-written inscription? They often say things like "Saw this and thought of you!" or "Thank you... for everything xx". Me and my mother have a long standing agreement that we buy these books whenever we find them. It sounds like a bizarre thing to collect, but I think the main reason we find them so interesting is because it amazes us that someone would give away a book that somebody else had attached emotional value to.

I feel the same way about this bear. People don't buy or give bears lightly. They're totally useless, and there really is no good place to put them. How are you supposed to even react when someone gives you a bear? You say thank you, and "awww", obviously, but you can't just put it down. You have to snuggle it until the person goes away, because they have to know you're using their gift.

Regardless of how stupid teddy bears are, you have to acknowledge their meaning. The person who gave you that bear probably knows how stupid bears are, but wanted some small way to let you know that they think about you, fondly and a lot. And for anyone to just abandon that bear, in a shoebox... well, it's just not on, is it?

He Reads Dan Brown Books (and not even The Da Vinci Code)



Seriously Travis? The rest I could forgive, but this is just not cool.

The shoebox had a few more choice items, such as a bar of soap and some golfballs, so me and Danny decided that there was only one thing that could be done: we posted an ad in the "free stuff" section on Gumtree.

If you're interested in taking the shoebox, you may want to hurry up.



Because the world is a screwed up and awful place.

4 comments:

  1. That shoe box is an Oasis CD away from me wanting to track Travis down and remove him from planet earth too.

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  2. Travis would never leave his copy of Be Here Now behind.

    What kind of man buys teddy bears as a gift though? For an adult female? Genuine question. WHO IS THIS MAN? WHAT IS HE?

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  3. I think we need to be asking more questions about the guy who wants the dan brown book OR the sex dice but not both and certainly not more.

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  4. I disagree Car. I think we need to be grateful that he doesn't want both and close our minds to it entirely. Because a diceroll sex game involving reading passages from Dan Brown is too horrid to contemplate.

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