Thursday, October 20, 2011

Why I Suck At Fashion (An Anti-Fashion Fashion Blog) (FASHION)

Every now and then I catch my reflection in the blade I am almost certainly harming myself with, and I burst into tears. Who is this person glaring back at me? What happened to all that youth and charming naivety that once shone from within her? And more importantly, why does she dress like a homeless lesbian?

Ridiculous hyperbole aside, sometimes I find it truly alarming when I think about how hard fashion is for me. Especially when it really, really shouldn't be. For one thing, it's not like I'm an amputee. My body is, by everyday society's discerning, completely normal. AVERAGE. I've spoken about my inability to shop before, but I always thought this fault lay with me rather then with Topshop. I've changed my mind. It IS Topshop's fault, in the same way it is also the fault of H&M, River Island, Forever 21, Primark, Next and everywhere else I can occasionally afford to go to if I don't eat.

Problem #1: Breasts

I know this has been the elephant in the blog for some time now, but in case anyone wasn't quite aware: I have breasts. It's one of those things that occasionally comes with being female, and I'm told that when I'm ready to harness my impeccable gene pool onto another human life, they'll come in handy. Until then, they are absolutely useless, particularly if you're trying to find a decent dress. Let's get all fashiony for a minute and look at this dress that Topshop are currently doing.

OOOOH LOOK AT THE PRETTY DRESS. Now before the fashion bloggers start soiling themselves with words like "Yester-year!" and "MAD MEN!" there is one problem with this. Actually there's two. And they're both called "tits". Namely, where are mine supposed to go? I know for a fact that if I were ever to try this dress on, it would crush my boobs so far into my body they'd come out through my back. Yeah. Think about that for a moment.

As anyone above a 32B will know, dresses that come up to your collar are horridly unflattering. They make your boobs look huge, and not in a cool way. More in a "I've been lactating recently" way.

Problem # 2: Legs

Ok, so boobs are a problem. But what about Legs? Everyone likes legs, right? Sure, legs are cool. Unfortunately, they are yet another perfectly fine part of the human anatomy that the high street has utterly ruined.

(Courtesy of Read: THIS IS NOT ME.)

I'm 5"8. While that's not gargantuan, it's not short either, and it presents a lot of problems. For one, men are terrified of me. Well, they are in the intense fan fictions I write about my own life, anyway.  For two, clothes shops have apparently decided that the average height of a full-grown woman is 5"2. This means that what constitutes as a flirty mini-skirt on a short woman becomes a Slut Napkin on my tartily tall body. I find this horribly unfair. Why should I have to look outlandish just because I don't need a step ladder to get to the high shelf?

Problem #3: Legs, Pt. 2 - The Re-Leggening

Shoes. Shoes, in my opinion, can piss off.

I'm already tall. I don't need to be that much taller. So why, Shoe Retailers, do you need me to be? Look, I'm not a total lesbian. Something like this, for example, I can handle.

Aww. Look how good that is. I want to mother that shoe, it's so effing cute.
This, on the other hand, is terrifying.

Everything about this makes me wants to die. I look at this shoe, and I can already see myself wandering the streets bairfoot at 2.30 in the morning carrying them, trying to convince McDonalds to give me the food they would otherwise be throwing out. This shoe epitomizes sadness, and it's everywhere.

Problem #4: Exit Strategy

But CAROLINE, I hear you bleat, these are just going out/getting drunk clothes you speak of. What about everyday wear? Well, I'm getting to that. Let's talk about something. Jumpers.

What do these jumpers have in common? Well for one thing, they're adorable. I'm particularly a fan of the polar bear one. For another thing, they are very difficult to get OUT of.
Jumpers have been very "in" for the last couple of winters. The rule seems to be the more wintery the animal on your jumper is, the hipper you are. I have an absolutely bitchin' Snoopy jumper that is the envy of many. The thing that bothers me about this though, is that once your jumper is on, there's not much you can do about it. Once you're inside, taking off the jumper is virtually impossible, unless you feel like exposing your stomach to a room full of strangers. Which sucks, considering temperatures change a lot. You could have been very happy with your jumper outside, but now your inside, and the jumper is no longer necessary. What to do? I'll tell you what to do.

HOODIES. Hoodies are incredible. With hoodies you can adjust to your necessary temperature with the flick of a zip. You can even take it off without being utterly indecent. Imagine, a world where you're not being choked to death by itchy wool and ironic reindeer. That's a world I'm interested in living in.

1 comment:

  1. Oh how I chuckled my way through this! I'm glad good old Snoopy got a mention too xxx