Tuesday, March 20, 2012

If Your CV Were Awesome


Like Facebook, grammar and the exact definition of what irony is, CVs are a good idea gone horribly wrong because society gives far too much attention to them. Your CV should tell your employer what it would actually be like to work with you. I mean, obviously, brag about yourself. But your 'keen' interest in swimming? Keen? KEEN? You sound like Marty McFly's mum when she was being a skank in the first movie.


As someone who is currently temping as an administrative IT person, let me tell you this: it's absolutely fine. The atmosphere is pleasant, the work is easy and at least once every hour, someone in the office says "Y'wan anything from the shop?" to which you are at liberty to respond: Yes. I would like a Flake. But do I have a passion for administrative IT skills? Of course not. Because only a sociopath possibly could.

However, because of the pantomime involved in CV creation, you have no other option but to craft a version of yourself that does have a passion for administrative IT skills. You are also equally as capable working independently, or as part of a large team. Oh, and you're also a self-starting individual. An energetic go-getter. And did you mention how much you love meeting new people? Jesus Christ. New people. New people are your crack.

Not as much as you love challenges though! Preferably NEW challenges.

And targets! God, don't get you started on targets. You smash those targets, and you get an almost sexual joy from doing it.

If this person really existed, no one would hire him. And if that person does exist, then he is that guy in your office that smells like gravy and collects human hair.




In a perfect world, this is how every graduate CV would look.

PERSONAL PROFILE:

Hard working and eager young graduate, desperate to claw up the ladder of success without being a dick about it. Makes a decent tea. Open to sleeping around, but for lolz rather than any professional outcome. Will admit to own farts.

EDUCATION:


2002 - 2008: Some Bullshit Secondary School Somewhere

I know what you're thinking. No, I wasn't really 'involved'. I didn't participate in a single sporting event, I never debated, and I never set up a model UN in my school. This one time I sold bracelets for Amnesty International, but I haven't included that here, because I only did it to get the afternoon off class.

I was basically the Matthew Broderick of my school. Everyone loved me, which I was unaware of, but still appreciated. This one time I hi-jacked a float and lip-synced to Twist and Shout. Bitches loved it.


2008 - 2011: Some Bullshit University Somewhere

I did a three year degree in a non-specific course, that wasn't medicine, finance, law or some sort of useful language. I did this because, at 18, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, and wanted to keep my options open. I'm aware that, to most companies, this will make me ever-so-slightly less appealing than the dude with the international finance thing going on. But hey, I'm about growth, and assessing options, and keeping an open mind. Which is probably what your company is about, too. If it's not, your company  sucks.

EMPLOYMENT HISTORY:


2004 - 2006: Some place. I don't really remember. 


My uncle had this friend who had this company and I went there for a couple of weeks every summer, because everyone said it would be 'good experience'. It wasn't, really. I didn't really benefit from it in any tangible way. But I still did it, because I liked money and I was good at being told what to do. Which is, in my opinion, the most important cornerstones of being a good employee.


2008 - 2011: Miscellaneous Retail and/or Fast Food Chain

In university I took a series of low-commitment jobs because I really wanted to move out of my parents house, and I liked getting drunk three times a week. Here, I learned the value of working through, nay, celebrating a hangover. I also learned to put up with the unbearable amount of bullshit both the public and my sycophantic assistant manager was willing to throw at me. I have not, as of yet, received a medal.


2010 - 2012:  A Bunch of Crap I Did For Free, and Will Now Try to Pass Off as Gainful Employment


Nobody paid me to show up, every single day for six weeks, to that PR firm, or that Advertising Agency, or that Web Design place. No one asked me if I wanted a tea, even though I always made sure to make tea for everyone else. No one thanked me when I finished. When you call this place looking for a reference, it will take three transfers and fifteen minutes to find anyone who even remembers who I am. But I did it anyway, because somebody conned me into thinking it would look good on my CV, and if it doesn't, then I'm about to go Columbine on your ass.

ACHIEVEMENTS:

  • I once won a really, really long game of Jenga. (nerves of steel)
  • I can eat a really, really impressive amount of McNuggets. (determination)
  • Dogs like me on sight. (character)


PERSONAL INTERESTS:

I don't have any hobbies, because I think they're a little gay. There is no sober recreational activity I do with any real regularity. That doesn't mean I don't do stuff though! I do stuff all the time. This one time, me and my friends went camping, just for the hell of it. It was a lot of effort. Something something, leadership skills.

Did I mention the nuggets?


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