Monday, April 16, 2012

So You've Decided to Become More Attractive

Congratulations! You've decided to become more attractive. This means that you have both a) admitted to having a problem and b) have endeavoured to do something about it. This is the can-do attitude existing attractive people appreciate, and as is well known, impressing them is half the battle. Before we begin your journey to becoming more attractive, perhaps it's best we outline the adequate preparation for such a venture.

Choose a theme

If you've ever started a project before, you'll know that choosing your theme is absolutely crucial. Your theme choices are Sexy, Cute and Vaguelly Intimidating. Don't be intimidated by your theme! These are interchangeable depending on how much lipstick, eyeliner and glasses you're wearing.

Decide that you need to lose weight

This is obviously the most important part about becoming more attractive. Even if you are otherwise irredeemably unnattractive, you can at least be comfortable in the quiet honour of being a Butter Face.

Decide on how you are going to lose all this damn weight

You basically have two choices here. You can eat less, or exercise more. Some experts recommend both, but screw that. If you over-extend yourself too early in the project, you'll run out of steam halfway through. This will lead your resolve to buckle, and it will end in you licking the inside of a Skips packet at half four in the morning. Eat less, or exercise more.

So you've decided to exercise more

Congratulations! Deciding to exercise more is the winners way out of this ugliness situation you've been dealing with. Go you, you worker bee.

Realise you have nothing to exercise in

What? How does someone get this far in life without owning a pair of running shoes? You're gross.

Endeavour to buy some work-out clothes

Imagine yourself as a vision in black spandex, ponytail bobbing as you jog wistfully along your local dog-walkery.

Maybe think about getting a dog?

Don't be silly. You do not have the time or enough capacity for love.

But if you had a dog that required walking, you would exercise more and then..

Stop thinking about getting a dog. A dog will not make you thin.

Actually buy the work-out clothes

Way less fun then buying regular clothes. Feel an exciting buzz of superiority when asking the salesgirl where the jogging pants are.

Go jogging

Tell everybody at work the next day about how you went jogging

Make a loose arrangement to go jogging with a girl from work

Make jokes about how you'll be jogging buddies!

Text girl from work about jogging

Receive no reply. Feel awkward around girl forever. Jog twice more, then stop.

So you've decided to eat less

Congratulations! Eating less is the modern woman's way out of this. Eating less is great because it is characterized by what you're not doing, rather then what you are doing. And not doing something is easy!

Throw away all your nice food

What, really?

Yes, really. Now, start a change jar. Put all your change in the change jar. Now that all of your change is in a jar, you will have less miscellaneous coins to spend on snacks

This means all your change. Even the brown bits at the end of your wallet. Tell yourself that the change jar is for something awesome. Do not feel bad when you dig into it for bus fare.

Tell everyone you work with about your decision to eat less

Listen to everyone tell you about how you do not need to eat less, and how you are perfect the way you are. Appreciate this for the lies and sabotage it so obviously is. Notice that jogging girl is eerily silent on the matter.

Skip breakfast. Pick grumpily at brown bread and tuna for lunch. Notice hunger pangs with masochistic determination. 

You're hungry! That means things are going well!

Feel malnourished, tired and sad. 

Decide this is no way to live.

So you've decided to get an awesome haircut

Stay up till 3.50 am researching the haircuts of celebrities you secretly think look like you

Because if it looks good on them, it will absolutely look amazing on you

Consider getting a pixie cut

Tell everyone you know about how you're thinking about getting a pixie cut. Eventually decide against it, citing your lack of bone structure.

Once you have decided on your awesome haircut, explain your choice to a nearby hairdresser. 

Become completely unnerved when he or she takes a length of your hair, holds it to your chin, and then says " this is how short you want it?"

Chicken out completely. Tell your hairdresser to forget everything you just said, and to just give you the usual.

Feel wounded when nobody notices your new haircut.

Watch a series of Anne Hathaway movies on Netflix. Fall asleep in your clothes listening to KT Tunstall. 

Wake-up with inexplicably nice hair, clear skin and happy looking breasts. 

Get whistled at on the way to work. 

Shelf plans of change until further notice.

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